Are you ready for the absolute most mind-blowing orgasm you will ever have? Perhaps I should re-phrase that…. ‘Are you ready for the absolute most mind blowing orgasm you MAY have… at Mistress’s discretion?’


You see guys, its all about edging FOREVER. You, restrained in a sling suspended from my bondage bed, me twirling the knobs & valves that control what’s almost universally accepted as the World’s finest penis milking machine. It’s the ULTIMATE TIE & TEASE session and it’s AVAILABLE NOW in the North East from Mistress Orchid the #TeesValleyMistress with her top of the range SeriousKit™ milker. Not to be confused with prostate milking, that’s something different entirely, however the two can be combined, if, and it’s a BIG if, you can handle it. I took delivery on August 1st, & the last two weeks I’ve spent installing, testing & fine tuning. As you’d expect these days the electrician I asked to help me failed to turn up, another didn’t even respond, nor did two subbies (guinea pigs) offered FREE testing sessions (their loss). TBF, one of them later redeemed himself, with a number of small tributes and a whole lot of grovelling to win his way back into my favour.

Only around 30 of these machines are operating in the UK public domain. I was told that by the manufacturer himself & he’s been churning them out for 25+ years. Most units go to Continental Europe (especially Germany) & US users… markets that demand QUALITY. It seems there’s no shortage of customers either, with his factory stacked to overflowing with components, heavy manufacturing machinery, and finished product.

Mistress Orchid the #TeesValleyMistress getting a demo and tour of SeriousKit's impressive manufacturing facility

I’ve been researching these things for some time. Google the subject and you’ll find all kinds of ‘Top 20 Best Milking Machines for Men’ type articles written by sextoy bloggers, alpha males most of ’em. SeriousKit isn’t even mentioned in some of these missives. How so? Well for 1) the company doesn’t go out of its way to advertise, it has all the work it can handle, mostly from word of mouth across the COMMITTED KINK/FET COMMUNITY, so it has no need 2) to give product away for FREE to lightweight reviewers, and 3) the equipment is recognised as the ‘Rolls Royce’ of adult pleasure products amongst its peers, consequently it’s well above the average sex blagger’s [sic] pay grade. SeriousKit penis milking machine has its origins in the the iconic American ‘Surge Milker’, common on farms across the mid west; SeriousKit customised it, combining precision engineering and state of the art vacuum and electro-stimulation technology to create a product capable of delivering exquisite levels of pleasure. It definitely ain’t cheap, with the base unit running well into four figures £££s sterling. I refer to it as ‘base unit’ because once you’ve got the SeriousKit suction device, it connects to a vast range of attachments & devices. These include specialist SPT’s (suction penis tubes), plugs, harnesses, suckers, even full electro stim rubber vacuum suits, each one carefully designed & created to induce Sensory Overload.

Dungeon playroom sessions could vary from me simply using an SPT on you hands free through to eventually…complex bondage sessions with multiple devices all working together – such as testicle tubes, an SPT and nipple cylinders – all with pulsating suction and, if desired, electro stim. Knowledge is power, & I’m STILL GROWING as a domme. I’ve a roadmap for the months and years ahead, and shall be adding to the base kit over time. Already experienced with electrostimulation, I can combine any of my power boxes with SeriousKit penis milking, so you’re guaranteed a GOOD TIME.

Don’t compare SeriousKit to the portable masturbators some of which are connected to apps that are currently FLOODING the market! They appeal to lovers of virtual sex.. the ‘StaySafe’ brigade who would rather not risk communicating with anyone directly let alone meeting another for sexual services! This is SeriousKit for serious people, it’s industrial strength, and more to the point it’s under Mistress’s independent control, not your control….the epitome of TRUST and the foundation of all things BDSM. It will be for ME to guide and to decide, whether to grant you permission to ‘let go’ or ‘abstain’, or even ruin your orgasm for that matter. And that’s not all…

The soft silicone sleeves within the SPT’s can be compared in terms of ‘feel’ to a mouth, vagina, or ass & are VERY realistic. With the full length of your dick inside the tube and the machine powered up, it will wrap tightly around the shaft and head to form a vacuum. SeriousKit penis milking machine works on hard or flaccid members, even those suffering from ED, so it’s well capable of forcing you to cum, multiple times. And do you wanna know the best bit? Using a male milking machine features the most pleasurable sensations anybody with a penis can possibly experience, akin to the most skilled & prolonged blow job. In fact, so intense are the feelings, many men produce 3-4 times more semen per ejaculation compared to normal masturbation. WOW, WOW and WOW again.

So don’t delay. Call Mistress now for an appointment. Sessions are scheduled for a minimum of an hour and a half and enhanced rates apply. Why? Because it takes time to set up and uses approximately 5 litres of specialized lube per session which needs to be prepared the day before; finally the whole system has to be flushed after use with Chemgene (tested underEN1276, 13727, 13624, 13679, 1650, 14348, 13610, 14476 to be effective against bacteria, yeast, mycobacteria, viruses, HepB, Herpes & HIV). You’ll be in safe(ish) hands heehee. So what are you waiting for? My phone’s on for the purposes of booking 7AM thru to around 7PM weekdays, weekends variable (try me). To conclude, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?”
“Well, do ya, punk?” SeriousKit for SeriousPlayers!


Movin’ Sideways’
As a postscript to my last blog post ‘Movin’ On Up’ I have to tell you the relocation to new premises in Stockton didn’t go ahead, mainly due to tardiness of lawyers, ambiguity with regard to property status and a ‘less than transparent’ vendor. Which was a shame, but then every cloud has a silver lining! Property prices began to plummet shortly after the sale of Darlington, so I’m keeping my powder dry and intend to look for another commercial building in 2024 or 2025.

Meanwhile, I’ve had a high spec playroom built at my home in County Durham; it’s not as big as the former playspace, nevertheless the bondage bed and the fucking bench fit nicely, while the rest of my dungeon furniture remains in storage. Guys are lovin’ it not least because I’ve got full length mirrors, something Darlington lacked. I’ve also got a ton of toys, four electro power boxes, clothes, heels, wigs & makeup for CD’s of all shapes and sizes, and more, so don’t be backward in coming forward! Mistress is always looking for new subs, you’ll not be disappointed. Until next time….

Warm regards
Mistress Orchid